I'm not functioning again...

 Let's start by telling why I need to vent this out. 😂

I dreamed of killing someone who is a family member last night. That's already weird plus the fact that during my dream I did not feel guilt regarding it. I did not admit it, as well. I was trying not to be known as the one who killed her. It also seemed like the killing was agreed with the person I killed.

I woke up feeling a little bit normal, then it hit me how the dream was too weird. Like I normally do when having these dreams, I searched up what could be the cause of this dream.

What I found out for most of that I read (I cannot say they are reliable sources though) is that there is a bad habit or memory that I want to remove. It also mentions that I'm feeling "anger" or "aggression" regarding this and I have to vent it out.

So here I am. 😂

Going to the title of this post, there is certainly something that I want to remove or fix with myself. I maybe actually angry with myself since it has been already two (2) days that I stopped functioning.

It's not like totally that I did not move but I'm not doing something really productive for the past two (2) days (I'm also not feeling well today, not physically but mentally). I almost did not work 😂. I just watched stuff, made the artworks I posted here, read a nonfiction book a bit. I did not even continue reading the materials for an exam.

What's worse I guess is that I don't know where it's coming from!! 😡

I kind of predicted that I will breakdown for a day (I was not expecting it to happen for a couple of days) since I had a lot of social energy last week and even posted here that I was feeling happy last Sunday. It's true. 😥 I was really happy back then. I really had a lot of energy to communicate with people that made me happy.

But this aftermath is not.. desirable at all. Like at all.

Other people would say "Just try to start it." or that "It's all in the mind."

Promise, I've tried. I'll try a bit more today, I guess. But some things are really difficult to understand or start if you don't have "that energy".

I don't want to feel like this, seriously. It feels so unproductive.

I feel nothing but hopelessness in my case. Just when I thought I was getting better, these stuff happen.

I really don't know the cause of it other than having excessive social energy last time which probably drained me. One (1) day is okay, but two (2) days and counting of this feeling. Please, no.

I'm scared to get help. I feel like I'll be just judged that I am overreacting or that again, it's all in the mind. I can overcome it. I sure hoped so. I do.

What can I do?