Honest thoughts after the call

So after five (5) months, I decided to join a virtual call for an e-game with my previous batchmates at work.

The invitation included my batchmate to whom we just ended a more than one (1) year we-are-together-but-not-quite-really. Well, to put it simply, M.U.. Why weren't we together? He didn't pop up the question of being a 'girlfriend'. 

I have been a fan of 'we're never talking again after the relationship' so I've refused some invitations once confirmed he is part of the call.

It was really difficult for me to say 'yes' to that call, because that would mean cutting my 7 year tradition of not talking to ex-boyfriends (well, he isn't technically an ex-bf tho).

Anws, I said 'yes' because I don't want to lose my connection with my friends just because of one (1) person.

Back story again. He was my workmate before, so I had the chance to hear his voice after the "break up" and before he left the firm. I cried a lot after hearing his voice. I broke down in my room and took in his voice which I missed that time. Thinking that 'that voice' was the one who made me happy, broke me, left me and will never look back at me. All at once.

Back to yesterday's call. I was a bit late for the designated time but got in the call as soon as I am ready.

I was surprised by my reaction. The sadness I felt before did not exist. It was a voice I am familiar with. A voice I shared most of my life during that 1 year more or almost 2 years. But it was all gone. All said and done. I am thankful we "broke up" and that he never contacted me after.

After the call, I immediately told my close friends that I was happy with what happened. Just the choice of joining the call made me proud of myself. Then another thing that I did not cry or become emotional upon hearing his voice. I congratulated myself. I deserve that.

And that's really from the bottom of my heart.

But to be honest, there were also some things that crossed my mind during the call, when I heard him, his jokes, and some of our interactions. 

* Did the call remind him of me? Did he longed for me after hearing from me again? Was he curious again on how I'm doing? On what happened to me after he left?

* After I unblocked him for the call, did he ever consider to befriend me again?

* Did he ever considered contacting me after he left?

* Was that birthday thing for his girl? Does he have a new one already? What does it feel? Am I really that easy to replace with?

Those thoughts circle my head whenever I have an excess time. I also remember the interactions, you calling my name. Your response to my slight joke about you.

I try to be strong despite those questions and remind myself I don't need anybody else to validate me.

I am worth it. My worth is not defined on how much someone can replace me easily. I am so much more than the surface. I did everything in my best ability to show my love. I do not regret anything cause I gave my everything. I am not perfect, I know too well. But that does not mean I'm less. I'm not asking to be missed or for someone to 'regret' leaving me. I am so much more than that. 

Like an undervalued uncapitalized intangible asset. May not appear as valuable but my cash flows are really a lot. And even increasing. Worthy to be capitalized by my own.

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August 31, 2020 10:07pm

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My first post is really about this? Hahahaha lols. The continuation of my journey to self-love. :) ❤️